Battling a demon named FUD.

Fear, uncertainty, and doubt.

Fear, uncertainty, and doubt.

I haven’t slept in days.  Every time I close my eyes I see visions of failure.  Failure that feels like the collapse of civilization happening in my guts.  I tell myself it’s not real.  It’s not me.  It’s the ego fighting the atman in the ultimate battle and all I know is I’m fucking losing.  I feel like I imagine a landslide feels like before it comes crashing down on the village below.  Look out!

I lie awake staring into the endless darkness that sits in front of me.  The silence of the desert night brings the voices of demons.

I can hear questions to problems that don’t exist and I’m left empty handed searching for possible answers.   It’s the voice of a monster that I’ve locked away in catacombs in the deepest darkest region of my brain.  It’s back, pissed off, and sounds like someone screaming bloody-fucking-murder in my ears.  It echos in my head and my heart like the scolding of a thousand fathers.

It’s questioning everything I’m doing, have done, and would hope to do.  It wants to know about what ifs to things I’m not even sure are possible.  It’s showing images of me beaten, battered, torn, chewed up, and spit out through course of my own actions.  It wants to know “why” and it’s taunting me for the truth.

All I want to do is cry out until my vocal cords bleed, “I DON’T HAVE THE FUCKING ANSWERS LEAVE ME ALONE!”

The voice turns to whispers.  Chatter in my ears coming from all directions.  I’m curled up in a pool of my own sweat shivering to death.  A death that would finally allow me to get some rest.  I feel naked, judged, vulnerable, and at fault for outcomes to situations I wasn’t even apart of.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING!?

No one can hear my screams from here and even if they could, they would never find me in this darkness.  It fills the room like a viscous oily fluid oozing from the place the voice is reaching from.  The darkness feels like it’s physically choking me as if it had hands that could reach up and wring my neck from the depths of my own hell.  I’m gasping for air.

I can’t make it stop.  It won’t go away no matter how much I beg and plead.  It makes me afraid to even look at myself in the mirror.  It makes me feel disgusted with who I am.  It makes me feel worthless.

Finally I give up in exhaustion.  I can’t battle the demon anymore so I surrender myself to it.  I open the doors and I let it in to my body, my heart, my home, my temple.  I’ll pour it a cup of coffee and give it access to my fridge, a pair of clean socks, and introduce it to my family.  If it won’t go away, I will appease it and give it whatever it wants

We sit face to face and I observe.  I don’t argue.  I don’t fight.  I just sit there and watch quietly and without judgement.

He looks sad.

I start to feel his pain.  His sadness.  His loneliness.  His longing for something outside of himself.  His lack of understanding and the fear it causes.  I feel terrible for him and want to help him.  His problems become my own.  His needs are my needs.  His voice comes from me.  His doubts are my own worries.  We’re scared for each other.  I am the trembling hand reaching out to myself for help.

I am the demon that keeps me up at night.

I just need to remind myself once in awhile that I’m not a demon.  I’m a loving human being who is capable of doing amazing things if I only I can quiet my own self doubt.  If I can overcome my own fear of failure, success, or anything in between, I’ll find something even greater.  That greater feeling is piece of mind in knowing that what I’m doing is exactly what it is that I need to be doing at that time.  Otherwise I’d do something else.  Because I can do anything I put my mind to as long as long as I can face myself and my own fears.

There’s only one way to battle the darkness.  You can’t fight pain with anger.  You can’t scare away fear.  You can’t scream over the doubt.  The only way to kill the darkness is to illuminate it with love.

Love conquers all…

  • Rob Cochran

    All the darkness in the Universe can not extinguish the light of a single candle.

  • Rick Pratt

    Sounds like I wrote this! Something I have written many times. The darkness being overcome with love! Indeed sounds much to familiar and sooo true!